Set the table. You and your network will have a good experience.
Forks go on the left at my house.
Many years ago I was working with Harvey Mackay on a project and he used to say, “Paper, you call ahead to the prospect and set the table. Here’s the info you need to know and here’s our plan.” At the time I thought the phrase was a little odd for the business world and I could only think of my mom and the lovely tables she set for daily breakfast and dinner and entertaining larger groups. She set an amazing table, especially during Thanksgiving and holidays.
I listened to what Harvey instructed me to do. I would read notes and have my questions ready before I made a call. I knew the topics I was going to cover with the other person. Setting the table included knowing another person’s interests and preferences, anything to humanize the connection. My calls went well after a few awkward starts. Usually, I was able to secure a next meeting for Harvey and me to continue the sales process.
Fast forward and at a coaching breakfast meeting today I used the analogy of setting the table. This time I was thinking only of my mom and the tables that she used to set for family and guests and why it mattered to everyone involved. She established the tone and feel and experience of those evenings. My coaching client wants to build a team that functions well. She thought she had set the table well for everyone to show up at their best through the company culture. My sense was she hadn’t told them all the details about dress and food or seating arrangements etc.
We weren’t a formal family but there were rules about entertaining. My mother’s guests knew showing up at her house was going to be a lovely evening and they arrived ready to play their part.
My mom’s table put people at ease and gave them an emotionally nourishing and entertaining evening. She was clearly the leader of the evening but her role in setting the table was subtle. Her role as leader was gained by being thoughtful and connecting emotionally with all the people that were showing up.
My mom was always calm the night of the event and the kitchen door was always shut to the dining room to hide any possible mess or chaos! The kitchen was were I usually spent time when I was younger and not invited to the table. She had been preparing for days in most cases. I suspect she had poured through cookbooks or recipes long before the doorbell rang. She was prepared. She had done all the grocery shopping and set the table ahead of time. She laid out the entire flow of the meal and timing usually on a sheet of paper. The details were impeccable from centerpieces to name tents to ice in the waterglasses.
She and my father excelled at keeping the conversation and the flow going smoothly. She used to tell me that if the table was having a good time talking and enjoying each other’s company, don’t clear the plates. It will ruin the moment. She also fussed with who sat and where and I would listen to my parents discuss moving a person or two at the last minute.
As a leader and a relationship builder it’s up to you to set the table with your team or your prospects. Being prepared and being gracious invites others to show up and engage as their best selves. As you work with people you may notice that people are being quiet or not telling you all that is going on. A good host and hostess knows how to read the room intuitively with a clear goal in mind.
If you’re not sure if your team is enjoying the experience of working with you or you’re not getting the responses you want from people you may want to think about “what you are serving for dinner and how you are hosting”. If you serve meat to a vegetarian and they don’t tell you they are a vegetarian you are missing the connection point.
With coaching clients, miscommunication patterns can be solved by asking questions and understanding what people really want to accomplish. Relationships can also be enhanced by being kind, polite, respectful and clear. Often a good question to ask is “Was this helpful, what can we do to work better together, or what made this project successful.”
People aren’t always easy to work with. And a dinner party is a lot of work to pull off. But if you open up your house to invite someone for dinner you want to see them at their best. So when you are building relationships, set the table and set the tone and everyone will have a good time.
Rock on,
Cathy Paper
I love this!
You know I love this! "Setting The Table," of course!