Driving is Debate Topic #1
Note, it's called a "debate topic"!
Driving is one of the greatest joys I’ve experienced in my life. I remember first getting behind a mini-bike, a bicycle, a car, a go-cart and a racecar with enthusiasm. It’s fun to go fast— plain and simple. There’s freedom in being able to take yourself places and explore.
As I’ve observed people age, I can see how driving becomes more challenging. The slide to not driving is complicated to navigate for yourself or your parents.
Backstory on old people drivers! My grandmother drove a tan Oldsmobile four door sedan. I don’t recall the model, but she was the driver for many years for her widowed friends when they would go to lunch or to an evening show. (Night driving is tougher as you age!) In Saint Paul, Minnesota, where I grew up, there are two-lane streets, and I found myself as a freshly minted 16-year-old enthusiastic driver trapped behind a slow-moving car filled with gray-hairs wanting to pass. I was probably wanting to get to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee. I knew they were old, so I was practicing patience and kindess, but this car was ridiculously slow and it was broad daylight. I couldn’t honk because it just wasn’t something I saw people do in a smallish town. Finally, I got an opening to turn left/pass on the left, and as I zoomed past with my car full of thirsty friends, I saw it was my grandmother Gertrude with her car full of “gray-haired” friends enjoying an outing. I practically ducked and I haven’t forgotten that moment.
When is it time to stop driving when you’re older? Who starts the conversation, and who makes the decision? Parent or young adult child. I’ve heard many different takes on this “debate” and even written on the driving subject in a previous article, but there is no clear answer.
Thus, my father labelled the subject of driving the first debate topic! How long can the debate topic of driving go on. A month. A year. Five years. Who is the decider of the driving subject? Many of the stories I hear lately have a driving story where the subject of driving is starting to elicit a variety of comments.
The comments range from:
“How about I drive the rental car dad?”
“Do you know where you are going?”
“Would you like a ride to the dentist?”
“I’m not going far!”
“Sorry, but my kids aren’t going to be able to ride with you, I am not comfortable.”
“Is there a driving test you can take at AAA?”
These comments are often met with a hostile, defensive reaction. Frankly, I would snap at my children if they asked me if they could drive my car if I were over 75 years old.
Before you start this “debate", maybe you and I need to gather our evidence on index cards and really prepare for this driving conversation. Maybe the debate is so difficult to approach because it means a loss of freedom for both aging parent and adult child. I first became worried about my mother’s driving when she got lost going to a place she drove to three times a week. And this piece of evidence did not come to me easily. I had to overhear a conversation about driving and then cautiously asked questions to really get the “facts” to come out. Neither the aging parent nor the adult child wants to see the driving decision come to a head, but it has to. It’s a risk for so many people on the road.
The biggest response I hear to people who are still driving and know that it may be time to stop driving is “I don’t go very far,” or “I go to these three places,” or “I haven’t had an accident, and I’m in charge!”
Thus the term debate is an interesting method to discuss the topic of driving. I will check with my father on his input on this subject, via email or text, but from my perspective, evaluate the driver every 3-6 months and do a walk-around on the car to see any dings or nicks that may reveal more “evidence. “
The best way my friend had her parents stop driving was she asked the local police to follow them when they went out for their regular Sunday drive. The police delivered the news to her sub-par driving parents that it was time to stop moving. I don’t know if they ever knew she had set them up but it forced the issue before anyone got hurt.
Good luck on your driving aging parent adventure, and keep your sense of humor.
Rock on and have a great weekend,
Cathy Paper
p.s. When I’m not writing about aging parents, I’ve been speaking to associations and teams to build their networks and coaching a few inspired authors to sell more books. If you want to take part in an upcoming book launch, here’s more info on Robbie Samuels book launch. Please tell him Paper sent you. He loves calling me by last name.